New Blog.

So I decided I'm going to start a blog. No one will probably look at it, but it doesn't matter to me. I'm used to being ignored and feeling like crap.

To be honest, I can't really complain about my life. There are people with far worse situations than me, but sometimes it feels like I'm one of them.

My life on the whole (before 2011) was good. Great, even.

I was still in contact with my dad - kind of - I had loads of new friends, I was happy.

But then January 2011 came along.

My mum and step-dad told me I was going to be a big sister, which was the best possible news to me as I'm an only child.

The complications came after around 23 weeks.

My mum wasn't producing any, or very little, amniotic fluid for the baby.

It wasn't developing properly.

At all.

Then it got worse, and the doctors said the baby's life was limited so at 6 and a half months my mum had a stillbirth.

I'd been going to see a 'counselor' sort of person for about two weeks, and just as my mum had a stillbirth, it was summer holidays.

I didn't have anyone to see, anyone to talk to.

I didn't particularly want to bring it up infront of my mum or step-dad, but I had to tell someone. The one thing I'd been looking forward to so much was gone.

Now, 4 months on, it still hurts. Still feels like something's been ripped out of me. I'm still heartbroken.

We've found out what the problem is, kind of, though.

My step-dad's got a wonky chromosome, which minimises the chances of him becoming a father, according to doctors.

They've got an appointment with a geneticist, next week I think.

Most of my friends don't care anymore, and carelessly bring up 'babies' at any time.

I act as if it doesn't bother me but it does, it really does.

My mum and step-dad hide their heartbreak better than I do, but I can tell they're still hurt.

I cry any time the subject comes up, but my mum is brave.

She's the bravest, smartest, most amazing person I know.

I love her with all my heart, but I can tell we've grown apart. Quite a lot, actually.

We don't hug as much anymore, we don't talk or hang out as much, she works quite a lot and on weekends she's out, or I'm out. I miss her so much.

First blog over.

-MollyB